don't call me a cougar

Courteney Cox has suggested that she would like the name of her show Cougar Town to be changed.

The programme’s executive producer Bill Lawrence recently confirmed that he is considering a different title for the series as the premise has changed since the pilot.

Cox, who stars in the show as Jules, has now claimed that the current name could be misleading.

“We’ve been talking about [a name change] for a long time,” she told Access Hollywood. “I don’t know if it’s going to happen or not. I don’t know… I honestly don’t know.”

She continued: “This show is not just for women. It’s for women and men. It’s funny. It’s crazy. It’s kooky and you know it’s heartfelt and it’s all of that. So… we don’t want people to get misled by the name Cougar Town. It’s just about trying to get what the real show is about and we may do it or we may not.”

See full article on Digital Spy

Although the term ‘cougar’ has become synonymous with older women who date younger men, its predatory image is neither accurate nor acceptable in the opinion of many women tagged with the label. Since there’s no similar word to describe an older man who dates younger women, many feel it’s far from complimentary. In fact, they say it is ageist, sexist, and certainly not empowering to women.

Celebrities from Demi Moore (whose husband Ashton Kutcher is 16 years her junior) to Kim Cattrall have emphatically stated, “Don’t call me a cougar!” Cattrall in particular rejects the the idea that Samantha, the iconic character she played for six seasons on Sex and the City, is a cougar, saying that some who are uncomfortable with strong women use the term to label women. As Cattrall told the celebrity news show Extra, “I don’t see anything negative about Samantha and her sexuality, sensuality and choice.”

Long before Moore or Cattrall took a public anti-cougar stand, UK artist and entrepreneur Julia Macmillan defied the label by making the domain name dontcallmeacougar.com her own. There, she started a blog supportive of women in relationships with younger men because, as she sees it, “it should be as normal for a woman to date a younger man as it always has been for a man to date or marry a younger women.”

Like many attractive and intelligent women who look younger than their years, Macmillan typically dated younger men not because she sought them out but because they had approached her and were more compatible than men her age.

When she tried online dating in 2006, she found she wasn’t connecting with the same type of men she had met in person; and those that were contacting her didn’t suit her at all.

Thinking that there had to be a better way, in 2007 she founded a UK dating website with a deliberately sassy, tongue-in-cheek name — ToyboyWarehouse.com — where members abide by one simple rule: that women date men at least a year younger, and men date women at least a year older.

Nowhere on the website is the word ‘cougar’ ever used. As Macmillan says, “It’s not empowering to women.”

She seems to have hit a nerve. Three years later, the site is so successful she’s planning to launch a US version of ToyboyWarehouse in late 2010 in the New York City area.

read the rest of the article here

Ground breaking movie soon to be released in the UK showing an older woman /younger man relationship that actually has a positive ending and doesn’t just show it as ‘a bit of fun’….can actually be love too!

I also have a younger lover, as the anonymous Guardian contributor posted recently. My husband and I don’t quite span the same 17-year age gap as she, but we do nudge past a decade, give or take a few months.

But unlike her, I detest the term cougar. Women dating younger men is not something new, but to be defined as predatory, scheming and power-hungry just because my partner is younger? Those are not the kind of boxes I’m looking to add to my resume. And the truth is, wearing the cougar badge (or choosing not to) is a feminist issue. As a mature, accomplished, and successful woman in my own right, I take exception at being defined, based on the age of the man I chose to marry. I don’t need a man to define myself, thanks all the same.

Yet more and more women are taking pride in wearing the ‘cougar’ badge, much in the way that when the ubiquitous Samantha from Sex and the City launched onto our screens, they perceived that being branded a ‘Samantha’ equalled being a liberated, out-there, challenging woman. Hindsight rather shows that trying to emulate men left many looking rather sad and more than a little superficial.

I’m delighted that more and more women are dating and celebrating their relationships with younger men, and why not, when men have been enjoying the company of younger women for so long – so long in fact, that their relationship status is largely left uncommented upon. When the age gaps of women dating younger men are also largely irrelevant in eyes of society, don’t elicit comment and the ‘C’ (cougar) word is finally dead and buried – that’s when we’ll have truly made progress.

Written by the fabulous Jo on her blog beyondcougar

What I find interesting is the fact that men get all the ‘good’ titles like bachelor and women get called cougars, MILFs or spinsters. I don’t agree with ’society’ putting names, titles and segments on everything.

“He thought I was younger, I thought he was older. (And there’s a 13 year difference!) I had to explain the term “cougar” because he didn’t know it. Nevertheless, I don’t like it. Granted, most of the significantly younger/older relationships I see are older man, younger woman, but I’m not a dirty old woman at 45! And even though this is turning out surprisingly well, my biggest concern is the negative image older woman/younger man couples seem to generate. New label, please!”

Comment on The Washington Post

A confession: I hate cougars. I hate the word “cougar.” I hate the concept of cougars. I hate the new show “The Cougar.”

This does not mean that I hate the solitary wild cat who feasts on deer, elk and sometimes armadillos, in regions across North and South America. Nor does it mean that I hate women who have sex with younger men. What I hate is the never-ending cutesy-pie conflation of the two.

Enthusiasm for the word “cougars” as applied to women, and not simply to high school football teams or John Mellencamp, seems to have begun around the millennium, with the 2001 publication of “Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men,” by Valerie Gibson. But the term caught fire in 2005, fueled by the marriage that year of then-42-year-old Demi Moore to then-27-year-old Ashton Kutcher.

Four years later we are still awash in knee-slapping, claw-bearing, never-gets-old cougar mania! Rowr!

In addition to the reality show “The Cougar,” which premieres Wednesday on TV Land, Courteney Cox-Arquette has produced and stars in a pilot for an ABC sitcom called “Cougar Town.” The independent film “Cougar Hunting,” a comedy about young men chasing older women, was prevented from shooting at the Aspen courthouse because it was deemed too racy. “Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men,” was reissued in 2008, and has been joined on shelves by titles like “Cougars, Poptarts & One Night Stands: 101 Essential Wingman Tips” and “Hot Cougar Sex: Steamy Encounters With Younger Men.” There are cougar hunters. There are cougar Web sites. There is a recurring “Saturday Night Live” skit called “Cougar Den” — which always seems to star Cameron Diaz, whether or not she’s the host — in which hilariously menopausal but libidinous women act like ninnies in pursuit of Zac Efron, the Jonas Brothers and youth itself. There are also self-proclaimed professional cougars, women who are apparently just “smart, sexy, independent … and proud to be over 40,” whether or not they’re jumping over couches to grab crotches.

By Rebecca Traister read the rest on http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2009/04/15/cougars_madness

Both of us had interesting jobs that demanded too much of our lives. She was a divorced dr. in her early 50’s. I was a free spirited mid 30’s, responsible yet bold in seeking enrichment of experiences. Never happy with younger or women my own age. Seemed like there was stress in those relationships. When I met her she was home to me because she enjoyed all I had, and she liberated me in a way no women up to my age could. It’s not for everyone. I must say I never did fit into the type of staged life everyone around me seemed to be distracted with. She freed me from it, knowing there was only our time we could get, as I enjoyed what she accomplished. And I was a man living for deep feelings and exploring time in the environment when I could escape work. We became part of each other’s landscape, until we both had to follow our work. I would have followed her if she asked, but knowing my work was important to me, she never did. She was the best for me still 12 years gone.

Taken from http://womensissues.about.com/u/ua/femalesexuality/CougarPositiveNegative.htm

Even though it is very funny!

The ad from air New Zealand, to advertise their grabaseat deals, that had to be banned from the air due to people’s complaints about the use of the term cougar….

In The Scotsman

THEY won’t see 40 again, the menopause is on the horizon – for some, it has been and gone – and they’re closer to their pension than they might prefer to think. Yet a new breed of sex-hungry women – dubbed “cougars” – are increasingly on the prowl.

nd their prey is, of all things, toy boys.

News that Irish First Minister’s wife, MP Iris Robinson, recently did her own “Mrs Robinson” and hooked herself a lover an astonishing 40 years her junior is startling enough.

Kirk McCambley was just 19 – an age when most lads are more interested in the latest Call of Duty video game, binge drinking and fantasising about Megan Fox – when he bedded the flame-haired Belfast politician 18 months ago.

Indeed, church-going Mrs Robinson, now 60, was old enough to be her secret boyfriend’s grandmother. But it didn’t stop the pair – who have known each other since he was just nine – having a fling that has now rocked Northern Irish politics.

What is just as astonishing, however, is that Mrs Robinson, whose namesake in the sixties’ movie The Graduate lured a youthful Dustin Hoffman’s character into bed, is hardly alone.

For a new generation of 40-plus women, from desperate housewives bored by years of marriage to high- earning city businesswomen, celebrities to, indeed, politicians, are giving their love lives a youth injection courtesy of more than willing toy boys.

Last week it emerged that filmmaker and artist Sam Taylor-Wood, 42, is pregnant by teenage actor Aaron Johnson. The pair hooked up after she cast him as the lead in her John Lennon movie, Nowhere Boy. She now plans to marry Johnson, who is just seven years older than Taylor-Wood’s daughter, Angelica, aged 12.

Yet she’s only following in the footsteps of the likes of Hollywood actress Demi Moore, 46, and her husband Ashton Kutcher, who’s still only 31. Even Jade Goody’s mum Jackiey Budden, 51, has recently swapped 37-year-old lover Jason Cooper for the even younger 30-year-old father-of-three Aaron Woolhouse.

Scots psychologist Cynthia McVey believes women are simply enjoying the benefits of a more broad-minded society – and grabbing a bit of what men have enjoyed down the years.

“This trend reflects changes in society generally,” she explains. “It used to be that men were the breadwinners, and women were attracted to status and the ability to protect and provide for their family.

“Now women no longer need those kinds of services. They can provide for themselves and for their children.

“With that sorted, they can then go for looks and for youth. They can behave the same as men and choose someone much younger if they want to.”

Society’s response to women and their toy boys is changing too, she says. “Society in general might still regard it as a bit odd, but younger people are very accepting. They say that if it’s OK for a man to have a young glamorous woman on their arm, why not for a woman to have a young, attractive man?

“As we see celebrities doing this it becomes more generally accepted within the general population.”

The trend is also partly fuelled by women now having more control over their looks thanks to cosmetic surgery, Botox and gym-honed bodies.

But while all that may boost a middle-aged woman’s confidence, according to online dating website boss Julia Macmillan, 49, looks aren’t always the big issue for their younger partners.

“Women are very hung up about their looks. They see every line, every detail. They’re in their mid-40s, they probably haven’t had sex with their husband for years and self-esteem is at rock bottom.

“They can’t understand how a younger man might find them attractive, but they do. For many men, it’s not about a wrinkle or too many curves or age. They see overall attractiveness and sexiness.”

Julia launched Toyboy Warehouse (www.toyboywarehouse.com) in 2006 after a searching online dating sites and finding herself paired with “boring” middle-aged men.

“It’s not just about six packs and looks,” she insists. “And there are plenty of young men out there who are intelligent and mature and able to hold a conversation. They’re not all sitting about playing on an XBox all day. And a lot of them find girls their own age irritating and annoying.

“I’ve dated men in their 20s who are so intelligent and mature and perfectly able to talk about all sorts of things. Likewise, I’ve had older boyfriends who have been unbelievably boring.”

Julia, a painter and sculptor, has more than 22,000 members on her website – around 1,000 of them Scots. And while the website is aimed at finding a toyboy for women, there are more men registered seeking love with an older woman. Demand is growing so quickly that she is now planning a series of events in Edinburgh and Glasgow to bring older women and younger men together.

“A generation ago, a woman had kids, she’d kind of let herself go and she’d stay at home, twiddling her thumbs and getting older. But today women have more.

“This is like the last stage of feminism. The first was the pill, then comes the political changes and the social changes in the workplace. Now it is about relationships.

“And there are a lot of women coming out of long-term relationships, with grown-up children who married young and feel they missed out on their youth. They’re free again and they want to make up for lost time.”

Of course, it’s worth remembering too that the male of the species hits his sexual prime in his late teens – a woman in her late forties. Which, according to one IVF specialist, can create it’s own toy boy dilemmas.

The Barcelona-based Institute Marques announced last week that at least 12 per cent of the British couples it helps involve a woman who is at least six years older than her partner.

Dr Raul Olivares, the IVF centre’s international director, said: “Starting a new relationship with a much younger man makes these women feel rejuvenated, and at a time of such physical and emotional plenitude, it can be difficult to accept that one’s reproductive train may already have left. Often they cannot understand that, at 45, you can have a fantastic body but it can be too late to have a pregnancy.”

The older man/younger woman dynamic reinforces patriarchal conventions; the older woman/younger man dynamic subverts them. This doesn’t mean that traditional roles can’t emerge in older women/younger men relationships. I did write once about the notion of older woman as teacher and initiator, and the exasperation many women feel at being asked to “mother” men. Several folks pointed out that plenty of women are forced to take on mothering roles to male partners their own age or older. That tendency towards a kind of uxorious helplessness that afflicts so many men in their romantic relationships with wives and girlfriends can emerge, it seems, at any age and with any woman. The key is that far fewer women than men generally want to take on the “teaching” role. Women may eroticize youth and vigor in younger men, but they rarely are turned on by displays of ignorance or uncertainty; high-brow Western literature and low-brow pornography are filled with countless examples of men being aroused by much younger women who either “play dumb” — or are the genuine article.

Please understand, I’m not saying that every older woman/younger man relationship is inherently progressive while every older man/younger woman coupling is oppressive and reactionary. A great many young women do exercise great agency in relationships with older men. But there’s no escaping the reality that the potential for abuse and exploitation is likely to be much higher in an age-disparate relationship where it is the man who is the elder of the lovers. We must note, too, that we live in a world where men are seen as growing both more “visible” and more powerful as they age — while women, past a certain age, are either desexualized or mocked. “Cougar” was not coined as a compliment; “silver fox” was.

Same-sex relationships can replicate unhealthy dynamics from the dominant culture. But by their very nature, same-sex relationships “subvert the dominant paradigm” in a very healthy and important way. A romantic relationship between two men and two women reminds us that biology alone isn’t destiny, and that while a certain degree of complementarity is surely present in any enduring relationship, that complementarity doesn’t require radically different genitalia. The age-disparate relationship, while certainly quite common in gay and lesbian communities, doesn’t reinforce an unhealthy norm. Even a wealthy older man with a beautiful young (but broke) “boy toy” is a fundamentally distinct phenomenon from that of a wealthy older man with his hot young girlfriend. The latter relationship reminds us all of women’s relative powerlessness — and of older women’s disposability — in a unique and infinitely more damaging way.

Critics on this blog frequently accuse me of double standards, and of being harder on men. By noting that, all things considered, older men/younger women relationships are more problematic than any combination of partners of a different age, I open myself up to that familiar charge. Yet it’s simply absurd to pretend that we have, even now, achieved full equality for gays and lesbians; it is equally untrue that women, despite the tremendous advances of the past half-century, don’t still get the short end of the stick in virtually ever area of human activity. No matter how well-intentioned the parties involved, every older man/younger woman sexual connection sends a clear and visible signal to the outside world that the patriarchal norms are left untouched; every older woman/younger man bond sends the exact opposite signal. This doesn’t mean a good feminist can’t be involved with an older man, or a pro-feminist man with a younger woman. But it does mean that they will have to work twice as hard as anyone else to keep unhealthy cultural discourses out of their relationship.

For the rest of the piece read Hugo Schwyzer’s great blog