About
The word cougar started in the West coast of America in the mid 90’s meaning woman who hangs out in clubs and bars to meet younger guys for casual sex. In the same way that the term ‘Mrs Robinson’ is now outdated because women don’t have to stay in unhappy marriages because they are no longer financially dependent on a man, so the term cougar is outdated as it’s no longer about a predatory older female. Women are looking more fabulous for longer and it’s completely normal that guys should find older women attractive. It’s always been the other way around, now things are changing!
An older woman who dates much younger men merits a label while an older man who dates much younger women is fine? The whole (ageist) premise behind the “cougar” label is that after a certain age, women get desperate for men and prey on younger men. Oh, what she wouldn’t do to get in bed with a younger man! Meanwhile, reverse the roles – if you have an older man who dates much younger women (like older men who divorce their wives and find themselves younger trophy wives) that’s not perceived as desperate or predatory. Instead it’s almost like a status symbol, just something more to make the men seem more distinguished and successful.
Calling women “cougars” suggests that women who enable themselves to age naturally, and desire and actively pursue sex are animalistic. It shames them and suggests that they are not properly feminine – patriarchy constructs femininity as forever youthful, docile and passive. Any woman who defies this, any woman who follows her natural aging process and actually wants and likes sex, is vilified, stigmatized and instantly otherized. This maintains male privilege and helps maintain other sexist double standards like the he’s a stud/she’s a slut one.
But isn’t it a bit…disgusting that our culture continues to perpetuate this notion that older women who like younger men are somehow stalking their prey. This is a trite generalization as the following example demonstrates:
“I’m 45, divorced, and a mother. I’m not beautiful by any commercial standards. My boyfriend is 28. We have lots of similar interests, believe it or not and I wasn’t a ‘predator’ at any stage of this process. I really resent that label. Infact, I resisted his advances in the beginning because of the age difference. And just so people don’t assume he’s looking for a ’sugar-mummy’ he pays more than his fair share of the bills and I’m not rich at all. he’s kind, intelligent, responsible, and loving. I’ve actually tried to break it off, telling him he’d be better life-suited with a girl his age. He tells me that girls his age don’t stimulate his intellect, that they are superficial and interested in ‘material things’ rather than the emotional/spiritual side to life that he’s interested in. As for children he’s not interested in bringing more children into this already over-crowed difficult world. I do look young for my age, but even so, it is difficult at times, to manage the public side of our relationship, as he looks young for his age. We’ve experienced the rudest comments sometimes. I wonder why ‘older’ men whodate younger women are congratulated while older women are ridiculed. Truthfully, I’m not sure what he sees in me, but we have a very ‘loving’ realtionship and by ‘loving’ I’m not referring to sexual and that’s a gift at any stage in life. My kids think he’s great and my older relatives think he’s supportive and wonderful and I don’t really care if the rest of the world doesn’t approve.”
Shine forum, Yahoo
The word ‘cougar’ implies just a sexual encounter but for us at toyboywarehouse it is so much more. It’s CONNECTION NOT CONVENTION! And that is why we started this blog because it should be as normal for a woman to date a younger man as it always has been for a man to date or marry a younger women. On www.toyboywarehouse.com the dating community for gorgeous women and younger men that I started in the UK in 2007, we never use the word cougar, as it is not empowering for women.
By Julia Macmillan, founder of www.toyboywarehouse.com
To contact us info@dontcallmeacougar.com
