As I was coming of age and hanging out with the arty crowd, there was one piece of gossip that repeatedly came up: a renowned artist and columnist has “found herself” – gasp – a builder in his twenties. Can you believe it?
These people were either liberal, very liberal or extremely liberal, so on analysis it was a surprising view. Admittedly, this was a group of people that would notice and comment on a man friend’s choice of an “intellectually inferior” mate, that was the kind of snobbism that was socially acceptable, but even for them, a woman choosing a mate who was not her social / intellectual / economic superior was considered worth pointing out. The relationship was deemed all the more curious in more conventional circles, those that in turn did not turn heads at a 60-year-old successful professional dating the 25 –year-old waitress. Women, as much as men, though, regularly expressed their awe even at a union of an older woman with a younger man of equal status.
Obviously both men and women look for multiple benefits in a relationship and there are few that take only social status into account when choosing a partner (having said that, observing the mating game in SW3 you’d think that percentage was way up in the 80s or 90s!). Arguably, we look for a level of visceral attraction and visual appeal. Given that most of us don’t hit the jackpot of intellectually stimulating / beautiful / sexy / adequately sensual / socioecomically equal (or better), the more realistic tend to prioritize. Given predominant frowning upon the older woman / younger man scenario, it would seem to be that a woman is expected to prioritize socioeconomic status over sensuality. Biologically, women nearing forty and men in their twenties are incredibly compatible, but we are expected to negate that and take the expected turn to a “secure” (until he hits his midlife crisis) union.
It seems prioritization is less compelling for the male part of the population that tends toward satisfying their requirements in parallel – social status in a (semi) permanent relationship and other wishes in more transient set-ups. The parallel script is apparently less acceptable for women – just look at mainstream culture representing Unfaithful women – those films inevitably end in universal doom due to the wench ruining everyone’s lives through her adultery. I was once quoted for saying that a woman needs multiple sexual partners at any point in her life and it made headlines as quote of the week – I doubt any male pronunciation of the kind would make the small print of a local paper – it would seem to be the norm.
The woman, however, should prioritize and she should prioritize as expected – status over beauty and sex, that is. Preferably with a man her age or a bit older, such is the expectation, someone to take care of her. What about the woman who doesn’t need to be take care of? Who is more than happy to take care of herself, build her own social status and financial security – surely her priorities can be inverse, i.e. beauty before age?
It is the miniskirted Georginas (and Svetlanas) in their twenties, barely able to hide their agenda of finding-a-husband-with-appropriate-status-and-income-buying-a-house(him)-and-having-two-kids-to-send-to-the-right-school who are the real cougars, waiting to dig their predatory claws into an unsuspecting – doh! – (finance) professional about to buy into a depreciating asset. They are the hunters. I know quite a few older woman / younger man couples and invariably, the (younger) man is the hunter, the chaser, the adorer who finds the scent of independence irresistible. There is a very bearable lightness of being about these couples as they don’t in any way resemble the often contract-like conventional bonds held together by the kids and property. There is nothing Mrs. Robinson like about these women, no evangelizing feminist ideals, just a taste for life unencumbered by the need to fill a social and financial gap through a partner.
So, why is it so unacceptable to choose adoring over snoring? It challenges the false security blanket of convention, the very cover that protects the majority in its belief that they’ve chosen the best option, regardless of the many downsides it brings. Once the cougar has gotten her hands on the house-kids-in-the-right-school deal she may just found there was a gap in the contract – Mrs. Robinson, anyone?
By LHeure Bleue – guest blogista
What I find interesting is the fact that men get all the ‘good’ titles like bachelor and women get called cougars, MILFs or spinsters. I don’t agree with ’society’ putting names, titles and segments on everything.
