don't call me a cougar

I was on Woman’s Hour (for those outside the UK it’s the main BBC radio show for women) last week doing an interview with Jenni Murray on the whole older woman /younger man and discussing the C word. The best part was the Vox pop with women’s comments that were taken from interviews done on the street. The feedback I got afterwards was “What sort of question was ‘what do you talk to these young men about’?” I think the feeling with a lot of older people are that you’d have nothing in common with a younger man. My view is that if you are intelligent and interested in the world you can have things in common with anyone of any age. Anyway here’s the interview:

Woman’s Hour

By Julia

All the publicity surrounding Cougar Town the forthcoming series with Courteney Cox has brought out in the open again the whole debate about the term Cougar, a word the media has adopted for women who date younger men. I’ve always objected to it because while I wouldn’t deny that a cougar is a beautiful animal, I’ve never felt predatory and don’t like the idea the image promotes of a woman stalking her innocent victims.

All of my boyfriends have been younger than me [from 2 to 12 years] but it’s not because I’ve been hunting ‘fresh meat’ but more because that’s just the way it worked out. They are the ones I found attractive and vice versa. I was probably also influenced by my mother who only dated younger men after her second divorce. When I left university she was having a relationship, which lasted several years, with a man my age. I moved back into her house when I was back in London and so did he. We all got on very well and I remember it as a very happy period.

What I really object to with the cougar word is that it is such a stereotype. It’s the image the media love of the older predatory woman who ‘eats’ her young prey. There may well be women like that, but it’s only a fraction of the women who date younger men. There are probably as many different reasons why a woman might prefer a younger man as there are relationships. In 2007 I started www.toyboywarehouse.com in the UK because there was no dating site catering for women and younger men in a non-sleazy way. The sites out there, often incorporating the word cougar, were all tacky with an over emphasis on the purely sexual side.

I suppose it’s inevitable for any minority group whether racial or sexual to go through a stage of stereotyping before society at large accepts it as normal, like the gay community or even the black community in the US.

I was interested to read that New York Gov. David Paterson said that the media has exploited racial stereotypes in coverage of him, President Barack Obama and fellow black Gov. Deval Patrick of Massachusetts. I can see the parallels with sexual stereotyping.

Paterson said in the written statement. “What I did point out was that certain media outlets have engaged in coverage that exploits racial stereotypes. That’s not only unfair – it’s wrong – and it sends an objectionable message.”

“We have a long way to go to achieve a truly post-racial society,” he said.

We have some way to go before a woman who dates a younger man needs no label and it’s as normal as it always has been for a man to date a younger woman.

By Julia

When people see that I am a member of Toyboywarehouse, they presume that I have always had a predilection for younger guys, but I would never have even thought that a younger guy would have been interested in me. That’s if I hadn’t had that car emergency about 6 months ago.

I was driving to work one evening, it was raining, and suddenly my windscreen wipers stopped working. Panicked, I pulled over, rang my break-down recovery company, and waited to be rescued. After about half an hour the welcoming orange flashing lights appeared behind me and a guy got out. As he approached my car I thought ‘wow’, just my type, tall, dark haired, not that I could see much as it was pretty dark by this time, but things were definitely looking up!

I explained the problem and he said that it was probably just a fuse and he could fix it within minutes. My heart sank as I was envisaging a long drive in his van back to my house with warm coffee and all sorts of things happening. Any way, little bit of flirting going on and there was definitely a connection, but as promised he fixed it quickly and went to leave. On leaving however, he produced his card with his mobile number on ‘in case I needed further assistance’. Did I need further assistance? God yes! A bit of background, I’d had a 10 yr relationship with a guy who shall be known as ‘the commandant’ (draw your own conclusions) which had ended and since that had not had sex for over 8 years so yes I did need assistance. Well, once I had got to work and told my friend she more or less made me text him to say ‘Thank you so much for rescuing me etc and if you are ever out my way be sure to pop in for coffee’. This was well out of my normal comfort zone by the way. Surprisingly he replied straight away and so began a series of texts back and forth until a few days later when he said ‘Can I ring you?’

So we started chatting on the phone until one day I innocently asked ‘How old are you by the way?’  He was 22 yrs old. Me being 44 thought great, we were getting on really well and I figured that’s just typical, I meet someone nice and they are way too young. He wasn’t bothered at all however as he had previously dated older women and preferred them. After my initial shock we arranged to meet at my house. The day came and he arrived, I opened the door and immediately thought ‘Oh god he’s far too young’. But we got chatting again and I warmed to him. We went into the kitchen to get a drink and I turned around and suddenly was in his arms. We started to kiss and my god, was it the 8 year hiatus, was it him, but it felt like a switch had been turned on in my body after all these years. It was the most gorgeous, sensual, amazing kiss I have ever experienced. We stood there for ages, just savouring each other, and then he picked me up and carried me upstairs and the rest I will leave to your imagination. We spent the rest of the day in bed, talking, getting tea, snacks, talking, kissing, it was a perfect day.

When he went, we arranged another date and I watched him drive away feeling like a million cobwebs had been blasted off! Several texts and phone calls later and it was still going well. Then a few days went past and nothing, which was odd. Then a call. His ex girlfriend (who he had just finished with prior to seeing me as she had cheated on him) had been in touch and told him she was pregnant, saying it was his baby. I was gobsmacked, upset, gutted, you name it. Being the older mature person I told him that I would step out of the picture and let him make up his mind as to what he wanted to do. Whilst this was going on I had friends telling me ‘Oh he was just using you and this is his ‘get out card’ so he doesn’t have to contact you again. Or ‘If you want him fight for him’. But I stayed away; I would get the odd text here and there saying ‘Haven’t forgotten about you, still getting my head around things’. Eventually I got the text I was expecting which simply said ‘I have decided to go back to her for the sake of the baby’.

I thought, well ok. I guess I’ll never know whether he was playing me or if this was the truth. I put the whole thing to the back of my mind and forgot about him.

Until a month ago.

Working at my computer in the late afternoon I heard a van pull up outside, didn’t pay much attention then there was a knock at the door. I glanced out the window and there was an AA van. Puzzled, before it could even register I opened the door and there he was. ‘Hiya was in the area so I thought I’d stop by’. To say I was a bit shocked would be an understatement but we carried on with small talk and I invited him in. Finally I asked the big question about his ex girlfriend and the baby. Turns out it wasn’t his, he found out a few weeks ago by looking at the dates the doctor provided, as she had been very cagey about them. Unbelievable.

So I said ‘Oh does this mean we can start seeing each other again?’ and he replied ‘Why do you think I am here?’

And the kissing commenced.

By Janeyangel, guest blogista

I couldn’t have written better dating tips myself. These were sent to us by one of our members on www.toyboywarehouse.com

1)   Work out what it is YOU want from the boy and be honest with yourself and him. If you want to go out with him, don’t pretend to yourself that you just want to be mates, or just want to sleep with him. If you want to be just mates, don’t overdo it on the affection front and confuse him. That way disaster lies!
2)   Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Take note of what boys do, not what they say. If they’re all mouth and no trousers, don’t do what they say they will or can’t stand up to the mark when it’s needed, don’t worry about it; move on.
3)   How is the energy working? If you’re putting more effort in than they are over a period (days if you’ve know them weeks, weeks if you’ve known them months etc) then you need to redress the energy / have a chat about it / bail. You don’t train an Olympic relay champ by picking up the baton for them. Let them have their turn / prove themselves. It’s tempting as a girl to always ’sort things out’: don’t bother ‘cause otherwise you never get the proper measure of them.
4)   Don’t sleep with them too early. You’ll get attached, they’ll think they’ve got you.
5)   Boys always want what they can’t have. No need to respond immediately.
6)   What is love without lust? It’s got to be good.
7)   If they don’t phone… they haven’t been in an horrendous traffic accident, nor have their fingers been destroyed by frostbite. They just don’t want to. If they’ve lost their phone & want to find you, they will.
8)   If it’s not working for one of you, it’s not working for both of you. You’ll actually be doing him a favour, or vice versa.
9)   Don’t ignore red flags. If they do something thats a bit freaky, or don’t do what they say they will, note it, but if the red flags build up then you have to assess & chat / bail.
10)   Always work on the 80:20 rule. If 80% + is good, stick with it, it could be awesome. If it’s 70%, it might be worth working on. Any less than that, bail.
11)   Mates are important. Don’t drop yours. Ever. It’s a bit dodge if he doesn’t get on with your mates. And if he hasn’t got any mates, that’s a big red flag (see 9)
12)  Don’t break their balls over the small stuff. So they forgot to pick up the dry cleaning / are 20 mins late. Who cares: big deal. Life’s too short to stuff a mushroom, as my mother would say.
13)  Continuous over-reaction, or staging drama for a reaction is waste of energy. Don’t do it. They’ll end up thinking you’re a boring freak.
14)   Same with getting jealous. It’s dull. He’s with you for a reason. All boys look, and so do we. I nearly crashed my car the other day checking out a hottie and had to tell my ex I was swerving to avoid a sheep. To put it bluntly, just ‘cause you’re happily chained to the lamp-post, doesn’t mean you can’t bark at the cars. The only problem comes when someone is straining at the leash.
15)   A similar background is helpful, but the same values and fundamental life goals (family / kids / moving to Peru) are essential.
16)   If they hate / are obsessed with their mothers, it spells HARD WORK. Don’t go there, girl! You’ll never be as good, or they’ll assume you’re as awful.
17)   On the other hand, if they get on with their mother, that’s a really good sign.
18)   If you’re looking for a relationship, take note if you get previous signs of non-commitment. Ok, I don’t fit this rule myself, but I’m writing them, so I don’t care.
19)   Trust is paramount. Don’t shag around. When the trust is gone, you’re screwed.
20)   Never lose your sense of humour unless it’s really necessary.
21)   You can’t change them. If they’re selfish at 30, they’ll be selfish at 50. Some boys just aren’t a good bet. Don’t fall for a boy’s ‘potential’: it doesn’t exist. Throw ‘em back in the pond and let the bottom-pickers trawl them (it’s a trading term!)
22)  Don’t try and change them. You don’t go into a relationship expecting to be changed. Girls tend to have an irresistible urge to tinker. Ok, small stuff (forgetting things, being late) can be sorted, but you’re going out with a person, not a project. Constant criticism isn’t fun for anyone. See 10.
23)   Always have a back-up plan, or four. Until you’re going out with someone.
24)   Any boy should be lucky to have you. Don’t waste the pretty!

The idea behind Sussed and Sassy came from the forum on www.toyboywarehouse.com. I started TBW in 2007 because I didn’t find a dating site that I wanted to join. It wasn’t just about toyboys! I thought so many things should be different from other dating sites: they should be more fun, have more ways to interact and the women should be able to talk to the other women. So we set up a forum and a virtual bar so people could interact. It soon turned out that women with a similar attitude were joining the site. They were smart, sexy, witty, sassy, sussed and equipped with finely tuned bulls**t antennae. They weren’t going to take it lying down! Well….only if they wanted to! Lifelong friendships started on the site and weekends away and girls nights regular events. The forum is a great place share your views and have a voice so we thought we’d take it to a wider audience, not just the women interested in a younger man but all women who’ve got sassitude or want to get it!

We have regular blogistas on S&S but if you’d like to guest blog send us an email about it info@sussedandsassy.com

By Julia